the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
tequila makes me forget i have legs
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
