I am puke
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Randomize
