I just cut my nipple shaving
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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