Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
