and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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