i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
