please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
