I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
