Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
