He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
