I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I checked into jail on foursquare
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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