i permit you to call me
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i've created a new STD.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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