She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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