maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
