wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
