After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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