I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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