Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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