Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
