mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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