I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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