True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
