my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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