What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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