I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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