I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He did a backflip because drugs
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
