I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
