I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
