I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
