i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
COCAINE IS GR8
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
