Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
