he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you traded sex for a burrito?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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