I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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