he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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