I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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