mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
