I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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