I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
