I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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