I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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