I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
