I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
