'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
