Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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