Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
