I accidentally burped into my bong.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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