my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
