Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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