i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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