So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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