Need sex. Gaining weight.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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