My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
meet me or not, i'm out of control
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
