so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
