My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
