I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
