your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
