Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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