based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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