Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize