Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
